Infertility Awareness Week

It is Infertility Awareness Week and I've seen many articles and posts written by friends and strangers sharing their infertility journey. I love that people are talking about it and the subject is becoming less taboo.
Most people who know me, know my infertility journey but I wanted to share it again in hopes of showing others they are not alone. I love sharing my story. It has allowed me to help others through a similar journey.
First let me say, I would not wish infertility on anyone. It completely shattered me at times and I feel like I missed out on many years of my 20's because my main focus was having a baby. That being said, I cherish my infertility journey and would not change one thing about it.
I got married when I was 21 years old (I know, I know, I was really young but I had graduated college and had been with Erik since I was 14 years old so it's all good). I am the oldest sibling in my family, I have 3 sisters and a brother. I was always a mother hen and loved taking care of kids so I always knew having kids was going to happen soon after we got married. We discussed the typical "let's wait a couple years to have kids", but let's be honest we've been together since we were 14, how much "just us" time did we really need?😃  But, we did wait a year before we started trying.
At that time, I knew no one who struggled with infertility. No one ever talked about it if they were and it wasn't even on my radar. Clearly, my mom did not struggle (is that weird to say about your mom?).
When we were first trying I was disappointed every month we weren't pregnant and it did sting a bit when others started to get pregnant. But again, infertility was something I've never really heard of and it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant so we kept forging ahead.
After a year, is when the doctors appointments started and the anger and anguish began. There were little things they found at first but all were promptly corrected. After each treatment, medication or procedure I was hopeful that this was it only to be crushed a couple weeks later. Now I know God is good all the time but I am going to be honest, I was mad at God! I remember standing in my kitchen crying hysterically and yelling out loud "I am so mad at you God!" It was hard for me to understand why people who didn't want any kids or seemed to be horrible parents were getting pregnant and I wasn't. I know it sounds selfish but in that moment I thought I deserved what I wanted. That memory is almost 10 years old and I am tearing up thinking about it. I remember the pain of those years so vividly.
I never stayed "mad at God" or depressed for very long. I really tried to be hopeful. I named my blog after the verse that kept me going, Hebrews 11:6b "He is a reward of them that diligently seek Him". And I was seeking Him constantly! That's the great thing about trials it bring you closer to God because He is the only one in control and He gives comfort that no human ever could. I love my God for that.
Finally after 3 years of trying we took a break for treatments and soon after found out I was pregnant. I was pregnant!!!! I called Erik right away and he left work and I took a second pregnancy test. We jumped around my bedroom like kids. We quickly decided which room would be the nursery and we sat in that room for at least an hour or more and talked about all the stuff we wanted to do and what our lives were going to look like. A couple weeks later I was at my summer nanny job and I started to bleed. I knew it then but the ultrasound confirmed it. We lost our first child. I still think about that baby all the time. My grandma and Aunt passed away this past year and I wonder if they've met and do they tell my baby about me and what I'm like and how much that baby was loved from that first positive test.
We started treatments and procedures a few months later. After 3 more years, we decided to just try IVF. Financially it wasn't an option but my family pitched in and we made the impossible possible.
This blog contains all the details of my IVF experience. It worked on the first try. We put 2 embryos in and I have the 2 biggest miracles because of it. Brinley Rae and Cade Michael are the most precious gift God could ever give. They are my world!
Infertility has allowed me to watch a real life miracle unfold. I saw God work first hand. I've seen the just how powerful prayer can be. I got front row seats to watch how God delivers on his promises. God is good all the time!

My babies are here!!!

This post is long overdue! I know most of you know because you keep up on facebook but my babies are here. Cade Michael and Brinley Rae were born June 8, 2011. I was 38 weeks and went in for my scheduled C-section. Cade was 6lbs 15 oz and Brinley was 6lbs 4 oz. They were both healthy and perfect. It still amazes me that not only did God work out everything so perfectly during IVF but the other thing we prayed for was that I would go full term and that they would not have to go into the NICU and God answered that prayer too!

I can't tell you how exciting it was to see my babies for the first time. We had to be at the hospital at 6:00am. The night before I obviously couldn't sleep. I had the alarm set for 5:00 but ended giving up on sleep at 4:30am. Erik got up at 5:00 and seemed to take his time showering and getting ready while I was rushing around like I was 5 and it was Christmas morning. The anticipation was high. We got to the hospital, filled out a little bit of paperwork and waited in the small waiting room for the nurse to come get me. I tried to casually flip through the magazine trying to look calm. Finally the nurse came and got me and took me to a small room and asked me to change into a gown. She took blood and gave me an IV etc... Both Erik and I kept watching the clock. The closer it got to 8:00 the more nervous and giddy we became. Long story short, we went in at 8:00 and it went smoothly. I felt great, the spinal didn't hurt and I was completely relaxed. Cade was pulled out first and the doctor put him over the sheet for a second so I could see and I was in shock. Did he just come out of me?? Is that really MY son?? I couldn't say anything...then our little Brinley came out next and as they let me peek at her she started crying and then I started crying. I couldn't say anything except "That is so weird, this is so weird" over and over again. ha ha ha I was in disbelief. After 5 1/2 years of trying and praying, they were here!!

They are the most beautiful gift. They fill my heart with so much joy. I am so thankful for everyone who prayed. People I don't even know were praying. I am glad I have a God who answers prayer. As my dad reminds me, sometime He answers yes, sometimes no, and sometimes wait. He had me wait, but now I am so much more thankful. I now am more aware of even the small things that God does that I wouldn't have noticed before. Again, thanks to everyone who prayed. And again to my parents and my sister and Jason for always being there and giving above and beyond. I have the most giving and supportive family. I sometimes look at my kids and think they might not be here if it wasn't for my family. I owe them so much.

I'm a mom!!! :)

Almost 30 Weeks!

Tomorrow I will be 30 weeks and I can't be more excited. It's crazy how close it seems to be getting. I just started my 6th week on bedrest and though I definitely have my meltdown days, it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be.

I've been seeing my OB every 2 weeks and still having my ultrasounds once a month to check the growth of the babies. I have my next ultrasound on Monday. Last month they were 2lbs 4 oz and 2lbs 1 oz. The last couple OB appointments they did a swab test that can tell if your at risk to go into labor in the next 2 weeks since I'm at risk for it. I just had it done again yesterday and it was negative again which means I have a 98%-99% chance of NOT going into labor in the next 2 weeks. So that is good and an answer to prayer. We (me and my doctors) have decided to just do a C-section. The boy is butt down right now anyway so I would have to have one unless he turns. On top of that, just having a shorter cervix it could stretch it out too much and just because one is head down doesn't mean the other will be and it could just cause complications. So that being said we will schedule our C-section around 37 weeks or so unless I go into labor before that. So either way I will be a mom of 2 children in a about 7 weeks. So weird!

As far as the gestational diabetes goes, it's been fine. My levels are normal and the diet really hasn't been too hard. It's more of eating 6 small meals a day. There are times I am so hungry and can gorge all day but can't.

I had my baby shower about 6 weeks ago now and it was perfect! My mom and sister put SO much time into it. They really put alot into it and I felt almost undeserving. Alot of people showed up including old high school friends. I felt very humbled to see all the support I had.

We were so blessed by our families to get all the "big" things we needed for the twins. We got both cribs and changing tables, bedding, car seats, double stroller that both car seats go into, 2 pack n' plays, 2 bouncers, and a glider. We have such a giving family and we couldn't be more thankful!

We really have been so blessed with great family and friends. Many of my friends come over to keep me company, although I feel bad because we really can't do anything. :)

Please pray that everything continues to go well and the babies stay healthy and growing. Pray that they are born full term and that they don't have to spend time in the NICU. I again appreciate all your prayers and support. I love that I don't feel alone on this journey and I'm so excited we are almost there.

Quite the week

I know it's been a really long time since I last posted so I thought now would be a good time to update. Up till now everything has been going pretty good. I've been feeling good and the babies are doing great.
I am now seeing my OB every 2 weeks and having ultrasounds once a month. I love having ultrasounds. I love seeing my babies moving and healthy. They are looking really good. My last ultrasound the boy was 1lb 4oz, and the girl was 1lb 1oz. Their heartbeats are strong and they are moving like crazy.
Now to the last few days. My last ultrasound also showed my cervix is shortening. This just puts me at higher risk for premature labor. Because of this, they have decided to put me on bed rest. Luckily though, they said I can still get up to go to the kitchen to make myself food, shower, and use the restroom, other then that I am to keep my feet up. I am not allowed to do anything physical, no household chores, no lifting, no grocery shopping..etc. I know this will get old and having to depend on Erik and others to help definitely is hard but at least it's not strict, flat on my back. I am thankful for that. I am almost 25 weeks along and they want me to be on bed rest till 32 weeks. After 32 weeks they don't really care if I go into labor, although I am still hoping to go to 36 weeks.
Then I got a call this morning. I do have gestational diabetes. I will have an appointment made with the diabetes education center. I was really stressed out because all of this has been in the last few days. I know if I just control my eating everything will be fine but I still feel stressed.
Please pray that everything goes well and that I will be relaxed. God is good and I know I am blessed that I really have had a good pregnancy so far. I really am thankful.

15 1/2 Weeks

I am officially in my 2nd trimester and am feeling good! I have been so lucky in this whole process and pregnancy. Obviously, for the most part my IVF went smoothly and now, so far, pregnancy has been great. I haven't been sick at all. I get a little tired but what's new, I've always been tired. ha I have felt God with me this entire journey He has blessed me so much so far. Every prayer I pray, no matter how small, He answers.
I had an ultrasound at 13 1/2 weeks because of a little spotting. It was the first ultrasound that that I've seen them look like actual babies. I admit, I cried. Just seeing them moving around, putting their little hands up to their faces, kicking, and knowing that those were my kids. I am their mom. Still makes me a little teary thinking about it. It's been such a long road and just to see them erases all the hurt. I still pray each day and thank God for them as I will continue to do after they are here.
I had my 4 month check up today (2 days early) and everything looked good. The heartbeats were in the 150's and 130's. I am up 5lbs since my first appointment at 9 weeks. Yes people it's true I am gaining weight! ha
We have an ultrasound scheduled January 24th. I will be over 18 weeks and so hopefully that will be the day we find out what we are having. I can't wait and I know my family can't wait either. I'm not sure my sister Tara will be able to handle the anticipation that day, she can barely take it now. :)
Please remember to keep us in your prayers. I still get anxious from time to time. Please pray specifically that I can carry them past 36 weeks and that they are big enough to go home at the normal time. That is my specific prayer each night and I ask that it be your's. I would really appreciate it.

An Update is Here!

I have had a couple of requests to update my blog and I know I've been slacking so here it goes. I was supposed to have my ultrasound at 7 weeks. Time was going so slow to wait that 2 weeks from the bloodwork appointment until the 1st ultrasound. I was anxious, scared and nervous but tried not to think about it. The weekend before my ultrasound I started to have a little bit of spotting. I got extremely nervous so I called my doctor and they said everything was fine, but if I wanted peace of mind for the weekend I could come in, so I did. I was only 6 weeks and 1 day so we weren't sure if we would be able to see the heartbeat and I knew I wouldn't rest till I could so I prayed that God would allow us to be able to see the hearbeat. We went in and not only did we see one heartbeat but we saw two! They were so strong we able to hear them both (95 beats a minute, a tiny bit low but then again most can't hear it that early). We were so excited and I was relieved.

Although we were happy it seemed that we both should have been more ecstatic than we seemed, we both had our guard up. It was still early and we have had our heartbreak before so it was hard to get too excited. We told our family that we were having twins but decided to wait after our scheduled ultrasound to share with everyone else.

My uncle died that following Monday. My whole family came back to Iowa that week. It was a tough week but it was nice to see all the extended family. My mom and sisters were able to go with me to my 2nd ultrasound. Before I went I prayed and asked God that their heartbeats would be a lot stronger then the week before. I was a little worried about it so I asked Him that they would be at least 120 BPM. Once again we saw two babies heartbeats. At that time they were the size of a grain of rice but had a heartbeat, isn't that amazing? Once again not only could we hear them but they were strong heartbeats. Baby A's was 122 and Baby B's was 145. It was neat to be able to have my sisters and my mom with me and I think they were very excited too.

My next ultrasound was scheduled for 2 weeks later. Again I started spotting a week later and naturally worried again. I knew in my head everything was fine and they told me with twins I would probably have more cramping and spotting as my uterus would grow more than average, but of course I needed peace of mind. This brings us to last Friday I went in again for another ultrasound at 8 weeks 1 day. They were so much bigger and had strong heartbeats. Baby A's was 170 BPM and Baby B's was 168 BPM. We were supposed to have another ultrasound next week but the doctor said we are ready to graduate to an OB doctor now. God is so good and I am so thankful. I make it a point to pray to Him everyday and thank him for blessing us with two babies.

Not only are the babies doing well but I am doing good as well. Both Erik and I are more at peace and more excited everyday. We've talked about names and Erik even texts me how the babies were growing this week. ha I haven't had any morning sickness which God probably knew is my weakness and may keep me from work and well, no work no pay. But in return my face is a mess with red dots but I will take that over nausea. :) I have been craving fruity chewy candy pretty bad. Chewy Jolly Ranchers are hitting the spot pretty well. Starburst are good too! I've been a little more tired then usual but not anything horrible (I went to bed at 7:15 one day this week).

I am so thankful for all of you and your prayers. Please continue to pray for a healthy pregnancy and healthy babies. Also pray that I am able to carry to term and they are big enough to where they won't have to stay in the hospital long. I know many times twins come early so I am really praying that I can carry them as long as possible no matter how uncomfortable I get. :)

Waiting...

I am almost 6 weeks along and will have my ultrasound next week. I am very excited and anxious. This morning I was having one of those anxious times. I am close to the time I had my miscarriage a year and a half ago and I couldn't get it off my mind. So I went upstairs and prayed and God gave me such a peace. I am feeling so much better.
I've been feeling pretty good so far. Last night I was able to stay up till 9:00. I had been going to bed between 7:00 and 8:00. Sunday I felt queasy all day but other then that for the most part been feeling pretty good.
I still thank God everyday for this blessing He has given to us. I am so so thankful to Him. I am also so thankful for those of you who are still praying. I ask that you still pray just as hard for a healthy pregnancy and that I will continue to feel peace. I would really appreciate that. Also pray that the ultrasound next week goes well and everything looks good.
God is good!