It is Infertility Awareness Week and I've seen many articles and posts written by friends and strangers sharing their infertility journey. I love that people are talking about it and the subject is becoming less taboo.
Most people who know me, know my infertility journey but I wanted to share it again in hopes of showing others they are not alone. I love sharing my story. It has allowed me to help others through a similar journey.
First let me say, I would not wish infertility on anyone. It completely shattered me at times and I feel like I missed out on many years of my 20's because my main focus was having a baby. That being said, I cherish my infertility journey and would not change one thing about it.
I got married when I was 21 years old (I know, I know, I was really young but I had graduated college and had been with Erik since I was 14 years old so it's all good). I am the oldest sibling in my family, I have 3 sisters and a brother. I was always a mother hen and loved taking care of kids so I always knew having kids was going to happen soon after we got married. We discussed the typical "let's wait a couple years to have kids", but let's be honest we've been together since we were 14, how much "just us" time did we really need?😃 But, we did wait a year before we started trying.
At that time, I knew no one who struggled with infertility. No one ever talked about it if they were and it wasn't even on my radar. Clearly, my mom did not struggle (is that weird to say about your mom?).
When we were first trying I was disappointed every month we weren't pregnant and it did sting a bit when others started to get pregnant. But again, infertility was something I've never really heard of and it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant so we kept forging ahead.
After a year, is when the doctors appointments started and the anger and anguish began. There were little things they found at first but all were promptly corrected. After each treatment, medication or procedure I was hopeful that this was it only to be crushed a couple weeks later. Now I know God is good all the time but I am going to be honest, I was mad at God! I remember standing in my kitchen crying hysterically and yelling out loud "I am so mad at you God!" It was hard for me to understand why people who didn't want any kids or seemed to be horrible parents were getting pregnant and I wasn't. I know it sounds selfish but in that moment I thought I deserved what I wanted. That memory is almost 10 years old and I am tearing up thinking about it. I remember the pain of those years so vividly.
I never stayed "mad at God" or depressed for very long. I really tried to be hopeful. I named my blog after the verse that kept me going, Hebrews 11:6b "He is a reward of them that diligently seek Him". And I was seeking Him constantly! That's the great thing about trials it bring you closer to God because He is the only one in control and He gives comfort that no human ever could. I love my God for that.
Finally after 3 years of trying we took a break for treatments and soon after found out I was pregnant. I was pregnant!!!! I called Erik right away and he left work and I took a second pregnancy test. We jumped around my bedroom like kids. We quickly decided which room would be the nursery and we sat in that room for at least an hour or more and talked about all the stuff we wanted to do and what our lives were going to look like. A couple weeks later I was at my summer nanny job and I started to bleed. I knew it then but the ultrasound confirmed it. We lost our first child. I still think about that baby all the time. My grandma and Aunt passed away this past year and I wonder if they've met and do they tell my baby about me and what I'm like and how much that baby was loved from that first positive test.
We started treatments and procedures a few months later. After 3 more years, we decided to just try IVF. Financially it wasn't an option but my family pitched in and we made the impossible possible.
This blog contains all the details of my IVF experience. It worked on the first try. We put 2 embryos in and I have the 2 biggest miracles because of it. Brinley Rae and Cade Michael are the most precious gift God could ever give. They are my world!
Infertility has allowed me to watch a real life miracle unfold. I saw God work first hand. I've seen the just how powerful prayer can be. I got front row seats to watch how God delivers on his promises. God is good all the time!