Anxious, Thankful, and Humbled

I thought I would start this blog so I can write about my feelings and my journey of infertility so that my family and close friends can keep updated. I am by no means a good writer but I will try. This is mainly Tara's idea so I blame her. ha
I don't even know where to begin. I have always wanted to be a mother. It is just a part of me. If you were to ask my sisters and even my friends...I am the "mom". The plan was to finish college, get married, then wait a year or two and then have kids. Simple, right? Wrong!! I never thought in a million years I would struggle to have kids. I didn't even realize infertility problems were so common.
Erik and I started to try for a family the spring of 2005. Long story short after a year of trying we started our journey with many doctors appointments, procedures, and even surgeries. It has been a rough road. Most of the time I have never felt so alone. It was rough to see what seemed like everyone getting pregant. Although I was so happy for them it also stung. I cried almost every month I found out we still weren't pregnant. Of course I wouldn't let anyone see me cry..Erik occasionally. The way I used to describe the pain to Erik was as if someone really close to you had died. The doctor later told that they compare the stress of infertility with the stress that comes with going through cancer. I believe it!! Each time though I tried not to lose faith in God. I tried to cling to Him. Although if I am being honest there were a couple of times I would be crying and litereally cry out loud saying "I am mad at you God!" I know that sounds horrible but at the time that's how I felt. I know rationally that He wants me to be happy and would never withold something just to cause hurt and anger. I know He has chosen me to go through this to strengthen me and to possibly help others. I try to keep that my focus. He picked ME! He picked me to make me stronger and and draw me closer to Him.
All this to say I will start in vitro soon. It wasn't even on my radar since it is extremely expensive! I got a call from my sister Tara awhile ago. She told me that many people in my family were wanting to help make this procedure possible. I didn't and still don't know what to say. I am extremely thankful and humbled. I can't even put into words how thankful I am to have such a loving and giving family. I am especially thankful to Tara. She has kind of taken over the "battle" part of infertility. She researches everything...knows EVERYTHING it seems about infertility and is so encourging. I can sit back and do what I have to. I let her deal with all the details. ha I have to say Erik has been great this year. I haven't mentioned him but he has been supportive of whatever I wanted to do. He works 2 jobs so that some of this can be possible. I love him and am thankful to have a great husband!
Next week I will start the pre-screening test. Just a sonogram and some labs. Then we have to take a class giving us all the nuts and bolts of the procedure.
Keep us in your prayers. I hear this procedure is an emotional rollercoster. I know that God may have different plans for me all together, but right now this is where He is seeming to lead.
So....that was my introduction and background. I promise I won't ramble everytime, I will just keep you updated.