I've been thinking about the purpose of my blog and realize I haven't been doing what I wanted to do. I guess the main purpose was to keep family and friends updated on the process so they would know better how to pray but also to maybe help others who may be going through a similar struggle. I have realized that, yes, I've been giving all the facts but am leaving out alot of the emotional aspect of it. I struggle with this all the time. I hate to be the one who's sad or depressed or upset. My friends can attest to this. I feel like majority of my life I am the "strong" one or the "peacemaker". I am the one who listens and helps people with their problems so much so that my friends have dubbed me "Dr. Phil" or "Mom". So apart of me feels like if I breakdown who will hold us all up? Stupid, I know...I am not so awesome that everyone depends on me for their world to go round but for some reason I have a hard time opening up in a vulnerable way. I would rather feel any other emotion then sadness. I just hate to be sad and try to avoid thinking or feeling sadness. I say all this because I want anyone reading this who is going through this or have a friend/family who is going through this to know everything involved in this process.
I know everyone is different but I have noticed myself disconnecting with everyone and everything. I feel like if I could just hibernate till this is all over that would be great. It's the anxiety...it feels like you can't take a complete deep breath until it's over. I just really want this to work.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not complaining. I just want to be honest on how I've been feeling so people can know better how to pray for us and also to help others. I will say this, I am thankful for the trials in my life. Now obviously if I had a choice I wouldn't choose this for me or anyone but unfortunately life isn't perfect. I really hate the saying "Why do bad things happen to good people?" Define good. We are all sinners we are not perfect and yes sin has entered the world and to think we deserve this perfect life and God must not love us if we have to deal with this is crazy to me. I believe that there might be many reasons for trials but I believe God allows them to make us stronger or to draw us closer to Him. James 1:2-4, "My brethern count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have it's perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." This is exactly what I am going through I'm going through a trial that is teaching me patience.
I also tell Erik all the time that I am thankful for the trials God has put in our lives because I couldn't imagine going through some of the things that others have to go through. I know that no one's life is perfect and there will always be trials. I have had and do have a great life. I had a near perfect childhood. I got to be a kid! I had great parents who loved us and were involved in every aspect of our lives. We never went without or struggled for anything at least not that I was aware of. We lived in a happy home where we barely heard our parents fight and if they did there was never screaming and yelling let alone violence. I finished highschool and college without anything much going wrong (no deaths, no illnesses ...) I got married to my highschool sweetheart who has spoiled me from day one and I don't deserve him. We both have steady jobs and a nice house and yes money is tight but we don't struggle to pay our bills or to put food on the table (or in my case to get food through a drive up window) ha. I have sisters who are my best friends, a brother I adore, and parents who I respect. So if this is the thing I go through I am so thankful!! I have an uncle struggling with cancer, friends of friends who lost their 4 months old to SIDS, I have a friend who's dad has incurable brain cancer. I can't even begin to imagine going through any of that and I thank God for my trials!!
I know that God wants us happy, even more then my family wants me happy God wants that much more for me. So I know He has a plan. I am thankful He has allowed the means for us to go through with IVF and I am hopeful this will all work. I know we will be blessed and I am so excited.
I'm sorry if this sounds all over the place. In all fairness I did warn you the very first blog that I am not good at writing. I just wanted to let you know some of my thoughts I've been having this week. Again, keep us in your prayers, and also if you could pray for the others I mentioned in this blog that are also going through trials.
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